The FoxxWhole

Pray to Brett that he may have mercy on your soul

2008-01-14T12:58:00.000-08:00

Let’s start today off with another simple math equation--

Did Brett Favre die for your sins? Not yet, but at this rate, America’s sportswriters will probably change that section of the Bible after the next slate of playoff games. Here are some quotes from the media this year, courtesy of planet Earth’s greatest sports blog, thebiglead.com.

“And you know what? I don’t care whether people are Packers fans or whatever, I’ll reiterate what we said: rooting for Favre is like rooting for America.” - Chris Berman

“Brett Favre is back. This guy has captured America.” - Bill Plaschke

“The rebirth of Favre is great news for football, sports and, when you think about it, life.” - Jay Mariotti

Yep. Brett Favre is great for life. OK, so he hasn’t done anything about the whole Iraq “issue.” And, he really hasn’t done much for our economy. He hasn’t done anything for global warming either. So, what makes him so great, you ask? Surely not solely because of his gridiron accomplishments, right? Well, you are right. He doesn’t die for your sins (yet), but he commits his own to save you from yours. He once tried to take as many painkillers as he could in order to drain the supply, thus giving you weaklings fewer chances to become addicted. He tried to do the same thing with alcohol as well until he quit that too. And he even tried to covet some other women, just to deter you from thinking the same exact thing.

So before you start chastising the media for praising Brett Favre, think about how much he’s helped your daily life. Are you an alcoholic who is also addicted to painkillers? No? Well, you probably have Brett Favre to thank. Now, hurry up and drink your water before Favre turns it to wine.

Here's how it will go

2008-01-07T18:25:00.001-08:00

This is the grand kickoff of the Fox Whole Blog experiment. Over the next few days, I’ll be posting entries about anything and everything. I figure, there’s no better way to start things off than to go with the hot button issue facing the country today…the Golden Globes scandal! OK, so no one cares.

People do care about politics. With the Iowa caucus in our collective rearview mirror, it’s time to look at the formula for success. Republicans especially have much to learn after Mike Huckabee’s upset win. His entire campaign turned when it was revealed Chuck Norris was in his corner.

(it was all Huckabee could do…after all, Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise. Really, Mike Huckabee isn’t the one getting paid 99 cents by Apple everytime he listens to a song.)

With Norris off the table, what’s any self-respecting Republican supposed to do? Turn to another 1980s TV Icon…the only man who could fix any campaign. He’s still a free agent, and I predict anyone who makes a play for him will win.

No matter what damage you do to your campaign, he could fix it with a drinking straw, a paper clip, three matches and two smooth stones. For instance, take Ron Paul. Sure, he’s a quack, his only celebrity donor is WWE wrestler Kane, and he’s endorsed by the KKK, but MacGeyver can overcome all of that.

=Victory!!!

2008-01-04T13:53:00.000-08:00

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